Opinion: The Swiss Got off Easy - Trump's Tariff Grift, now with Free Watches?
Satire (maybe): You almost have to admire the efficiency of it all. After months of Switzerland being smacked with a 39% tariff—roughly the diplomatic equivalent of a folding chair across the back—President Trump has graciously agreed to reduce it to 15%. Not because of geopolitical strategy, or economic alignment, or even a coherent trade policy. No, no. This miracle occurred because a small battalion of Swiss executives marched into the Oval Office armed with the traditional tools of high-stakes international negotiation: gold, clocks, and the implied promise that every Trump family member would now skip the Rolex waitlist until the end of time.
And, amazingly, it worked.
Swiss officials posted a gleeful “Thanks to President Trump for the constructive engagement,” which is the genteel Swiss way of saying, “Thanks for accepting our bribe.” Because let’s be honest: you don’t gather the bosses of Rolex, Richemont, the country’s biggest gold refiner, and two investment firms for a quick ‘hello’ unless you’re coming with something shiny in the briefcase.
The Swiss strategy was simple: if Trump likes clocks and gold, give him clocks and gold. And watches. And maybe a little more gold, just for good measure. Jean-Frédéric Dufour of Rolex had already softened the ground by inviting Trump into the Rolex VIP box at the U.S. Open, which is the diplomatic equivalent of slipping the maître d’ a $100 bill to “see if anything opens up.” Conveniently, Trump already keeps a giant gold-plated Rolex clock on his Oval Office desk, which probably winked at him approvingly during the meeting.
Rumor now has it that Rolex is preparing a new Trump-themed Daytona that features extra gold layered on top of the regular gold, because America deserves nothing less. Meanwhile, Patek Philippe and Audemars Piguet have reportedly agreed to a new family plan for the Trumps: no waitlists, no allocations — just drive-through service. Pull up, place your order, and by the time you reach the window, a limited-edition perpetual calendar drops right into your lap.
And all for the low, low price of… some chocolates, a few watches, and a promise to “build some stuff in the United States eventually, maybe, if the paperwork doesn’t get too annoying.” For a 24% tariff reduction impacting billions in exports, it’s a downright bargain. The Swiss got Costco-level pricing on presidential influence.
Of course, the official story is much more dignified. The economics minister says they “clarified everything.” Roche is supposedly building a pharmaceutical facility. There’s talk of gold smelting and rail equipment and other respectable items that make it all sound like a real negotiation rather than a high-end swap meet.
But the timing speaks for itself. Swiss exports were tanking, the tariffs were crippling, and suddenly—after an Oval Office charm offensive featuring the heads of the most luxurious brands on Earth—Trump becomes a man of generosity, benevolence, and tariff reductions. Coincidence? Only if you also believe that the average American consumer is “frustrated” by high chocolate prices.
Let’s not forget: this was all triggered by a phone call that went sideways in July, when Trump decided that the appropriate tariff number was simply Switzerland’s $39 billion trade surplus. One can almost picture the scene: “What’s their surplus? Thirty-nine billion? Fine—39 percent tariff. Next.” Switzerland was stunned, dairy farmers were threatening to reduce milk production, and Victorinox was seeing their Swiss Army knives priced like aerospace-grade tooling.
So yes, the Swiss did what any rational, terrified nation would do. They brought presents. And in the end, Trump’s tariff regime—now sitting before the Supreme Court, facing potential legal annihilation—will always be remembered for its bold creativity, its unpredictable mathematics, and its proven susceptibility to luxury goods.
But hey: a bribe is a bribe. And the Swiss? They got away cheap.
After all, what’s a few dozen watches when the alternative is watching your economy get crushed like a cheese wheel under a cow?
